AdHitz Beer Money

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Fun! With Questionable Testimonials

    Hello and welcome to the inaugural installment of, Fun! With Questionable Testimonials.  A recurring segment where I call out blatantly fake, disingenuous or clearly-outsourced-to-a-late-90s-Chatbot testimonials featured on websites throughout the web.  I rarely pay too much attention to testimonials but, on a fairly regular basis, I'll happen to glance upon a site with testimonials so dubious that I end up wasting time wondering who the site owners, that place these testimonials on their sites, think they're fooling.  My main problem are the completely fictional testimonials that I see, but I'll occasionally see real testimonials from real people so blatantly misleading that they need to be taken to task for it.

Here is an excellent example of an accurate and completely genuine, unbiased testimonial from the FreeCashStreams Facebook page.

    Now don't get me wrong I have no problem with testimonials, I get what a powerful marketing tool they can be.  I don't even have a problem with "phoned in" testimonials that people give as a favor or for a paycheck or due to blackmail.  Fun! With Questionable Testimonials is for testimonials that are abnormally bad, the ones so bad that they manage to fight their way through my general lack of interest in testimonials as a whole and force me to notice them.

From now on, using the word "awesome" in a testimonial will be recognized as code indicating that your testimonial was provided while being held at gun point.

    What better site to feature than the one whose fake testimonials stained my computer screen and encouraged me to start this series?  I'll just let these testimonials from speak for themselves.....

    The woman's picture in the middle (Lois Clark) was what initially captured my attention and I don't think there is any mystery as to why.  Her undeniable beauty commands attention.

I'm not sure why, but you just don't strike me as a 'Lois'

    After a closer look at this group of customers I could see some noticeable problems.  We have testimonials from Lawrence Lane, proud owner of "Lawrence's Online Giftsr", Marian Dixon, who was so satisfied with the services rendered by GotHits that she underwent plastic surgery, changed careers and started a new life all so that she could submit a second testimonial, which she accidently submitted under her original name out of habit and Lois Clark who I wouldn't be surprised lists her current address as 123 Kent Lane, Metropolis, USA 55555.

Her workplace rival, Luth Lexor

    What was the point of including this nonsense on the site?  These people and their statements are so clearly fake that one of these testimonials may as well say:

"My blog always had a moderate amount of traffic but little to no engagement.  After analyzing my site's traffic I found that my site was most popular with trafficbots.  Upon learning this I decided to purchase traffic to my site but after countless hours of searching I could only find sites selling real human visitors.  Finally I found and couldn't be happier.  Not only did GotHits deliver the unthinking, unseeing traffic my site needs, but their high prices helped me get rid of problematic piles of cash that were starting to build up in my home. Thanks GotHits! 11 out of 10 stars."

   Unless the programmer, in a silent act of heroism, convinced the site owners to include the testimonials section as a way of hiding a warning to consumers in plain site, then it's inclusion did more harm than good.  If you look at their site, the people behind GotHits spent time and money to give the superficial appearance of a functioning site, but that's just it, it's only superficial.  If, say, a ridiculous fake customer section that in no way facilitates a sale, draws attention to itself and makes people notice how little time you actually put into your site , why would you include it?  If you're going to scam me and use made up customer statements as a way to add realism, you'd better at least try putting some thought behind it, otherwise you're just insulting me and wasting both of our time.  When I feel like getting scammed I'll find someone who actually takes pride in what they do.

    I actually tried looking into the people that gave the testimonials on the off chance they were real people, as I didn't want to make fun of them in an article if they were, and saw that the site provides their social media links!  Unfortunately each and every social media button just leads back to the main GotHits site(and here I was hoping to ask Lois Clark out on a date). Pretty much every link (aside from the ones where you pay them money) link back to their main page, however, through some quality investigative research I found this....

They're even fluent in template placeholder speak

    WTF?!? You couldn't even be bothered to find original pictures for your made up satisfied customers? They just used the people that came with their Wordpress theme.  That's like buying a new frame for a family portrait but then hanging up the picture of the fake family that came with the frame instead.  What's even weirder is that in the WordPress theme template,  these people are normally found in the "Meet the Team" section which means GotHits went through the trouble of moving the pictures over to the testimonials section and writing up fake testimonials for them, but couldn't be bothered to change their names or profile pictures.
    I don't know if this site is a scam or not but they have a lot of explaining to do if they aren't, at the very least I'd be skeptical of the quality of their traffic.  So congrats GotHits, your testimonials were so questionable that they made me look at what you were offering and convinced me to stay away, which most people will recognize as the opposite of what testimonials are supposed to accomplish.